FANDOM


Template:The Daily Show

Media Information Edit

Homepage:

The Daily Show (Region-locked to US; anyone who can find a non-US link is welcome to add it.)

The Daily Show on The Comedy Network (Region-locked to Canada)

Description:

Jon Stewart mocks right-wing radio/TV host Glenn Beck in a style parody of Beck. (From 00:30 to 15:30 in the above-linked episode.)

Original Date:

March 18, 2010

Transcription Edit

Speaker(s) Edit

  • Jon Stewart
  • Glenn Beck (archive footage)

Transcription Edit

Stewart: (standing in front of a big-screen monitor with a Glenn Beck-style "JS" logo in the background) I'm glad you tuned in to today's show. (shrugs arms; audience laughs) It's an important one. (stares at camera; audience laughs) One that you and your family can't afford to miss. Well, you could miss it, but if you miss it, you'll die. (audience laughs) (Stewart breathes in, grinds teeth) You know, for many years, I've felt that government, when competently run, could help provide basic safeguards, not just against enemies, both foreign and domestic, but also against other forces that might seek to exploit the less powerful. I've looked approvingly at child labor laws, inspection of meats and poultry, and other foodstuffs... (gesticulating wildly; audience laughs) Women voting! I thought it was progress. I didn't realize... how sick it was making me. (continues gesturing; licks finger and wipes collar) Making all of us...

Beck: Progressivism. The cancer that is destroying our founding values.

Beck: Progressivism is the cancer in America, and it is eating our Constitution.

Stewart: America, I have cancer. (audience laughs, applauds) We... in this country, have cancer, value- and document-eating cancer. (audience laughs) But the cure is right around the corner; follow me, America.

narrator: March 18, 2010. From Comedy Central's world news headquarters in New York, this is The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Stewart: America, I thought, as perhaps Teddy Roosevelt did, that some basic protections, backed by the legal authority of the United States government, if necessary, could enhance all of our pursuit of liberty and happiness and life... (gesticulates wildly) And what I didn't know is that to even entertain that thought makes me... (flails, covers mouth as if vomiting) a progressive. (audience laughs) And I... and that's not good.

Beck: Progressives think they know better than you do. They want to control every aspect of your life. (Stewart recoils as clip starts playing)

Stewart: (staring at camera) I didn't know that that's what I wanted, but I guess I wanna control every aspect of your life! (audience laughs) As a progressive, I might say, (flails) I think it's a good idea for an agency to monitor pollution! (audience laughs) But I guess what I really mean is, it's in the state's interest that we be allowed to put a chip in your head that tells you when you can masturbate. (audience laughs) (Stewart removes glasses) Total control... (while holding glasses, Stewart holds hand up to mouth) And in my America, nobody tells people when they can masturbate. That is a decision that should be... (audience laughs and applauds, drowning out Stewart) That... that is a decision that should only be made between myself, my doctor, and that new Calvin Klein billboard outside my window that's lit 24 hours a day. (billboard with somewhat awkward man in boxer shorts appears on screen) No, not that one, the new one... (billboard with woman in lingerie) The new one... eww, no, the new one, that's got the... (billboard with traditionally-attractive man in briefs) Yeaaahhh. (Stewart puts glasses back on, looks at screen) (high-pitched voice, gesturing) Shiny! (JS logo appears on screen; Stewart returns to normal voice) And by the way, (removes glasses) if you are progressive, you're not naïve, or a well-intentioned stupid person (gesticulating). As Glenn said, you are a metastasizing malignancy on the body politic-- perhaps even in our great nation's very colon. (audience laughs) Why are you so dangerous, progressives? (shout-whispering) Because you can't stop! (Stewart recoils again, as another Beck clip begins playing)

Beck: The roots of progressivism lead to fascism!

Beck: (in front of a board with a picture of Chairman Mao and the word 'evolution') Evolution, not revolution, slowly, step by step.

Beck: (holding cards with swastika and hammer-and-sickle) One had the hammer and sickle; the other was a swastika. But on each banner read the words, here in America, of this. (screen shows the words 'social justice') Social justice.

Stewart: (slowly standing up from a ducking position; lowers glasses; walks backward; audience laughs) Nah, it's not that believing, I'm not saying this, I'm not saying that believing there should be a minimum standard for how much lead can be in our paint might lead to the government having the right to sterilize and kill Jews (gesticulating), I'm not saying that that might be the case... (stops gesticulating; removes glasses) I'm saying that's the case. (audience laughs, applauds) And that even though you didn't realize it... (points at audience; stretches arms out; spins) Even though you didn't realize it, it's been your goal the whole time. (flails) Where's your proof? (points at audience; shout-whispers) Here's my proof!

Beck: (drawing a circle on chalkboard) Our founders promised that our federal government would never leave this circle. And then we drifted... we drifted... so we upped the circle just a little bit... (drawing arcs widening the circle to the left) Teddy Roosevelt, he took us over here... (continues drawing arcs) Oh, now we're into Russia territory! You ask anybody who really looks at global politics and they will tell you, China is the new goal. Why do you think there are so many Maoists hanging around the White House?

Stewart: (stretches arms out) You don't see it, do you? You still don't... Follow me, America, follow me. (runs to a chalkboard with a replica of Beck's chart, the word 'progress', a swastika, and a hammer and sickle; audience laughs) I'm gonna show you something. I'm gonna show you something that is gonna blow your mind. (making showmanlike gestures; audience laughs) Why am I the only one that's saying it? Am I crazy, or... OK. (audience laughs; Stewart points to audience) Look at the ovals of progressive folly! (points to ovals on board) Look, look, look, ovals... getting larger! (light laughter) And isn't it interesting that they go to China? It turns out that progressives advocating for government regulations on toxins in water and our children's toys turns us into... (gesticulates, points at chart) China!The very country that has been putting toxins in water and our children's toys. (audience laughs, applauds) It's so ingenious, it almost doesn't... (shakes head) So ingenious, it almost doesn't make any sense whatsoever. (audience laughs) So now you've taken us this far; you've drawn the ovals. (audience laughs) How do we get our country back? How do we stop the cancer from... (makes an oval with arms) progressing? Do you see?

Beck: Rights come from God; they're given to the people.

Beck: Look back to our founders, because they left us messages. (places Obama-style posters of the founding fathers on the board)

Beck: This is an original document from Thomas Jefferson. "On the 24th day in the year of our Lord Christ 1807", signed by Thomas Jefferson.

Stewart: Then Thomas Jefferson signed "Year of our Lord Christ"... (gesticulates wildly) licked the envelope, put a stamp on it, and gave it to one of his slaves to take for a couple of weeks to get it to Maryland! (audience laughs) My point is this: it's that simple. We know what to call a progressive, cancer. (light laughter) What do you call someone that follows this better path? Because we must label; without a label, (pants) we, we, we, we, we, we would have no idea which web sites to visit. (laughter)

Beck: I want you to know, I'm not a journalist. I am a conservative. I am much more of a libertarian.

Stewart: (rolling out a chalkboard with the words 'conservative' and 'libertarian') Conservative libertarian! Two great tastes that taste great together. (audience laughs) So how do we get back from China? Be a conservative libertarian who follows the rules of God. Hmm. Hmm, Jon. Hmm. Hmm. What would that look like? (audience laughs; camera returns to board with ovals) What could that, what could that possibly look like? What could you possibly have that would look like that? Oh, I don't know... "Jes-oss"? (sticks a picture of Jesus, with a devil-horned Penn Jillette and a haloed Michael J. Fox surrounding him, on the board) With libertarian Penn Jillette and conservative Alex P. Keaton? (stupid-sounding voice, flailing) Hey Jon, how about all that space on the right there? What if you drew ovals from here to theocracy? What if you drew a shape like this, or like this (draws random lines on the right of the board), or like this (draws an oval on the right of the board), to theocracy? (normal voice; raises finger) That's r... wait a minute. Strawman slippery-slope dumb guy might have a point. (raises finger to lips; audience laughs) Can you just draw ovals from the center to China, in the same way, but back towards a theocracy? Well, there's one... two... (draws several ovals on the right; begins to draw a misshaped oval) No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, it's coming... (corrects shape of oval) Wait, hold, oh, oh, oh... (draws circle to 'theocracy'; gasps; audience laughs) This is Glenn's blackboard, so we have to play by Glenn's rules, which are, if you subscribe to an idea, you also subscribe to that idea's ideology, (gesticulating) and to every possible negative consequence that that ideology remotely implies when you carry it to absurd extremes. For instance: Progressives, if you believe in a minimum safety net for the nation's neediest, you believe in total and absolute government control. So, if you believe that faith provides a strong moral tent post for a nation's foundation that could only lead to totalitarian theocracy... (crouches, pants) But Jon, that's crazy! That can't be right, 'cause there would be all kinds of ridonkulous embedded clues. (points at audience, walks forward) You're absolutely motherf------ right! (audience laughs; Stewart moves between cameras, staring at each) If that were true, somehow I would be able to show a bearded Jesus over time turn into a... (posts a picture of Ayatollah Khomeini, screams several times) Look, beard! Now it's white! And he's Muslim! (audience laughs) Did I just blow your mind? (stands in front of Ayatollah picture, stares at camera)

(Audience applauds. Cut to another camera; several additional pictures, including Hitler, Stalin, and Groucho Marx, have appeared on the board. Jon, standing in front of the board, removes his glasses and sticks them in his jacket pocket, begins to remove his jacket, and puts it back on. Audience laughs throughout this whole spiel.)

Stewart: Am I the only one here saying that having facial hair necessarily makes you a bloodthirsty totalitarian theocrat? Am I the only one? (audience laughs) (imitating robot) I'm afraid, Jon! Beep boop beep beep! I'm afraid! Beep boop beep boop! (normal voice) I can hold up a swastika, or a hammer and sickle, or a picture of a bloody corpse, and tell you that that's my evidence. (pause) But I don't have those pictures. (audience laughs) I've got the words themselves written in indelible chalk. Conservative libertarian! (camera cuts to board with 'conservative libertarian' written on it) Let's start with 'conservative'. Oh, well, what's this word right here? (circles 'con') 'Con'! A con is a convict! And 'serv'... (circles 'serv') Con-serve... a convict, and a slave! I don't wanna be a slave prisoner, but it's your ideology! I guess 'libertarian' somehow mitigates; well, let's look at that. (circles 'li') Lie! Lie! Lie! They're lying to us! Who's doing the lying? Who's doing the lying? Tell me, word on the board, who is doing the lying? (circles 'arian') Aryans! Aryans! (walks toward camera) Holy s---! (walks off-screen) Oh my God! (runs across screen, flapping arms) Oh my God! (runs backward, flapping arms) Oh my God! (holds arms out as if flying) Oh my God! Aryans! But Jon, but Jon, if that was true, why did they spell it without the 'Y'? (shout-whispers, walking toward camera) They took out the 'Y' because they don't want you asking that question. (imitates robot, holds hand up as moustache while doing Nazi salute with other hand) I am coming for your books and brains. I am coming. (walks back to board; normal voice) What does that leave? Well, it leaves only one word: (circles 'bert', drops chalk) Bert. (removes cover from nearby object, which reveals itself to be a Sesame Street playset featuring Bert; Stewart crouches next to it, and the camera moves to a closer angle; audience laughs and applauds; Stewart points to playset) A fastidious pigeon-worshiping felt tyrant whose draconian sharia law allows for neither loud noise nor rubber duckies! But yet who spends his day in a children's workshop telling our impressionable youth what to think! Don't think he's dangerous? Well, I wonder what the letter 'E' would have to say about that! (attaches a magnetic E to Bert's face as a moustache) Aaah! It's Hitler! (audience laughs and applauds; camera returns to 'conservative'/'libertarian' board; Stewart walks toward camera) I didn't wanna have to tell you any of this... any more than Glenn Beck wants to tell you that people that think safety belts are a good idea are killing this country.

Beck: I don't want to be right on this.

Beck: As much as I wish this weren't true, every day that goes by, the evidence mounts up.

Stewart: Yeah. And as I look around at all the truly random things that I scribbled... (audience laughs) I'm sorry, I promised myself that I would cry. (holds hand up to mouth and bites down; lowers hand, observes bite mark) F---! (rubs wound, tries to cover it) We'll be right back! (rushes off screen)

Transcriber Information Edit

Transcription written specifically for this wiki by User:Codeman38, who could not find a full transcript anywhere else on the web.

Ad blocker interference detected!


Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.